Another lost

Another friend died too early. Yesterday, Allison was in a car wreck and died. It seems like death is all around me. This earth is a black pit full of pain, suffering, despair and death. I'm tired of it. I can't outrun it. That could have been me. Just as simply as it was Allison, it could have been me. I could be dead right now... my life on earth done. It's not that I don't want to experience Heaven and finally meet Jesus... it's just that I don't want to leave this earth until I've lived my life to the fullest. What if I'm taken soon? Too soon like Allison or Maura. Or worse, what if Josh is taken too soon. I can't imagine a life without him. He has been with me for so long that he literally feels like a part of me, and if I lost that part of me my life would forever be devastating. I can't imagine. Why does death have to be so full of despair. I wish that when it was our time, God would simply give us a 24 hours notice, tell us why he was taking us at that time (so we could explain to our family) and then painlessly take us. God has his reasons for everything, and I need to maintain a healthy amount of fear for him. I'm just at a loss... and I'm scared. I'm scared that I will be taken too soon. Before I can impact enough people, before I have a baby, before I see my baby grow up, before I am able to grow old with my other half. I generally pray that God's will is done, but with this I pray wholeheartedly that God would let me live a long full life with my husband. Until then I'm going to keep living everyday as if it's my last, following my instinct, and rarely second guess myself. Goodness... what is going on with the SHSU school of music? I can't handle anymore loss. Not yet.